The long stretch of neglect from ignoring the will to create has an accumulating effect on happiness. The longer the stretch is prolonged, the heavier the weight of it, compounding the maintenance of that happiness. I can't stand much longer of ignoring the need to write, to make ritual of my body and my mind. My heart can only take so much trotting along on worn out paths of grief and minutia, time spent only half rooted to the sacred ground I stand on. If I don't stop to take notice of the always-available power I have to get through this shit, I lose it. I end up right where I am right now- slipping off of the edge of the mountain. I'm clinging to grass as the mother takes off with me on her back, grasping onto her hair as she takes me away.
How do we come back to center when our whole world turns upside down? Or when our meticulously designed routines are upended, or our stabilizers disperse? The hardest thing can be remaining in clear sight of our truths when everything we've placed around us to stay in identity with those truths is in altered alignment. What has become increasingly clear to me is that I'm too identified with the things outside of me- reliant on my beau, my home, and my ways to keep me rooted in what is ultimately designed to come from within. I'm resistant to imagining myself as isolated and floating out in space somewhere in a vacuum of meeting my own needs all the time, and crave a balance between personal power and union, connection. When grief strikes and I am forced to turn within, how is it possible to see through the fog of brokenness to the wholeness of me?
I'm in the throes of this, so I won't put out any lofty answers involving personal practice, meditation, mindfulness, et cetera, although it's certain that they are involved. There's a bigger picture for me. Back to riding on the mother's back, riding the ground as it's tossed through time and space and getting a good enough grip on the roots of her hair for the leverage to wrap my thighs around her waist and get back on the saddle. Mindfulness- seeing through the fog- is that leverage, among the many tools at my disposal. Seeing the fog for what it is and not mistaking it for what is inside of this mother's heart and mine. And keeping that feeling in my heart, the feeling of the wild abandon and safety of being secured on her hip, held close to her breath and the scent of her while I ride through this heartbreaking life.