For as long as I can remember, I've been caught in a cycle of desperately needing acceptance due to rejection I felt as a child growing up with an incarcerated and addicted father, pushing people away who know their limitations of what they can and can't give me, furthering my sense of rejection, thus my deep need for acceptance. This has played out in every relationship, several friendships, and my connection to myself.
I've attempted to open my heart recently, only to become aware of this stuff once again. Natalie writes an amazing piece on this over at Baggage Reclaim:
From the moment that someone decides that they no longer want you or that they no longer value you or the relationship enough to want to try and they make the decision to opt out, you need to start working towards not wanting them either.
I definitely felt lost yesterday. To lay it out, I've got several fishing poles out on the dating scene, and the way I've been feeling has made me want to pull them all in. I'm not sure if I can go through it anymore- putting myself out there- not until I've got some things straight.
Wanting people that don’t want you, nevermind respect, value, love, or care about you, is a surefire sign that you have lost your way.
Natalie keeps going, though, offering some harsh truths:
You’re too busy feeling the pain of your own bruised ego that you have lost sight of reality.
Really, the whole thing is worth reading.I’m not even convinced that you truly want him; you just need him to want you.
Mostly, I'm worried about the fear of doing this again. I don't want to be emotionally unavailable. I get what she says about only investing time and energy in people that value me, not detract from my value. It's about manifesting relationships/friendships through my own sense of worth instead of seeking it from other people looking to play by their own rules. Vulnerability is scary, though. But as we know from Brene Brown's TED Talk, people with higher senses of self worth fear vulnerability less. Actually, they see it as essential to a deeper sense of connection.
This is all part of my recovery. Please feel free to share with me where you are at in yours. We can only give what we have, and right now I've got some big balls of wax to melt before I can make that really luscious calendula cream that everybody keeps asking me about.