Tuesday, July 13, 2010

the new moon

Dang!  I almost fell off the wagon.  It's been a crazy week or more, and I'm finally on the upswing.  I got my "period" (I used to hate calling it that but it's started to feel more like the end to my long and drastic cycle than ever).  It came sweetly with the new moon, a time that symbolizes the shedding off of all my flustered film, all of the world that has clung to me in the last 50 days.  My cycles are that long now.  And some would count that as a blessing, but everything is more exacerbated now, all the highs and lows that I would normally flush out in 34 days just take their time and go higher and lower now.  I miss my 34 day cycles.

I've definitely been feeling a lot of the dark mother in my life, manifesting through me.  I am the dark mother.  And I've been having to own all of the other stuff, too.  I am anger.  I am the car.  I stopped driving.  I'm letting Gregory take the van to work so that I absolutely have to bike, and it's a blessing.  Driving makes me so aggravated, and I cuss and honk at people and bitch about how much the world sucks when I'm driving so I quit.  I'm actually going on strike from a lot of things.  Plastic bags being one of them.  I hate them so much and all they do is sit there making fun of the fact that they'll still be around long after I'm gone.  At least I know my car will die before me.  I've actually been pretty unbearable about a lot of things lately.  Now that I'm menstruating, I'm relieved of a lot of the guilty tension, but that doesn't change the fact that I've been a total shit to live with.  I'm a great mom, but make a pretty shitty wife. 

What did I expect?

Things ARE getting better, though.  I just got through three weeks of cynicism, croney complaining, and sinister thoughts, and it's okay.  I'm climbing the mountain again and it feels good.

1 comment:

Heidi said...

You describe feeling like you are failing as a wife. It would be interesting to explore what you think being a "good wife" would mean. I get really flustered sometimes trying to live up to expectations that aren't even defined. It is so hard to set standards because there are so many fluctuations!

Just sharing your pain...

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