When things fall apart.

It's gotten pretty bad. 

I took a postpartum depression screening online a few weeks ago, and while I wasn't too surprised, it finally let me say out loud what I've been feeling since I was pregnant.  I am ill.  I have postpartum  depression.  The hardest thing about saying that is the fact that I don't necessarily feel depressed, just extremely agitated, rageful, and anxious.  I've felt depressed before and it didn't feel like this does.  But I definitely feel like I have no control over my emotions, and I've reached a point where I don't want to be a mother.  I love my sweet little child, but I don't want to be his mother anymore.  I want to go home.


The most terrible part is that I can't really breathe.  I have just kept going going going with school and my other many hats that I'm always wearing some hat, some role, and feeling really screwed into being something to somebody all the time.  I don't know what it feels like to relax, to be nothing but my open, honest, joyful self.  Feeling phobia socially, snapping at everything that gets under my skin and dragging it out for fifteen minutes, and especially losing my appetite- none of that is ME.  I've lost a lot of weight.  Everybody tells me that I look great, and I just want to tell them that I feel like shit.


To be honest, to lay it all out, I feel like shit.  My marriage is maxed out, I've had blowouts with my mother, mother-in-law, and best friend, and I've pretty much alienated myself into a corner of distrust and isolation.  I see my midwife today.  I had to wait two weeks to get into the clinic because I couldn't afford to see her right away.  But what price did I pay by waiting?  Greg says that things are going to get better after the first of the year, after Elijah goes to school, after just a few more months.  I don't think I can last that long.


This is the first time in my life that I've even considered getting on some medication.  I feel like an emergency, like a walking time bomb.  If anything hits up against me hard enough, I'll shatter all over the place.  I don't want to wean Elijah, but I've thought about it.  It makes me so sad.  I know sometimes that nursing him really drives me crazy, but I'm not ready to let him go like that.  I don't want to look back at this time and think that I really screwed him out of a good mama.  And that's where I'm stuck.  I'm tired of being his mama.  But I know I can't stop.  And I want to say it's because I love him, but I don't even know how to love myself right now.  I know I love him, but right now, it's next to impossible for me to feel it.


We'll see how today's appointment goes.  I guess I knew these two weeks would be hell.

Experiments in herbal emergency contraception

I started this blog a very long time ago with the intent to discuss my more personal endeavors and adventures in herbalism, women's health, and spirituality, but it never got posted in. I have certain things I want to share but can't do so in the blog that I use for our house and garden. So here we go. Oh, and I should also warn any readers that I have started several of these sort of half-arsed attempts and let them sit idle for long periods, so bear with me. I do have a lot to share.

Tonight, I am making a emmenagogue brew. I am 9 months postpartum and have had two menstrual cycles, which I know is not out of ordinary in the slightest, but I'm eager to bleed. I always enjoyed menstruating. So breastfeeding causing me ammenorhea is starting to get old, and I know there are other things I can do to get my hormones steady.. honestly, this mama's looking for something to make it happen. Irresponsible? Probably.

For a quick aside, I have been using the LadyComp, a fertility monitor, for about six weeks. It's definitely still getting to know my cycle, but already it knows I might be gearing up to menstruate. It's been 46 days since the first day of my last cycle. I've always had luteal phases on the longer side (17 days usually) but 46 days makes me kind of nervous, especially since I definitely could be.. well... you know...

Also, I've used herbal emergency contraception many times. Parsley, in particular. I would love to hear comments about experiences others have had, things that they've tried and have been successful, rumors, old wives tales, etc...

I'll post the recipe for this emmenagogue after I take it and see its effect.